Smooth it on over Mayonnaise

BY: LITTLE SCOTTIE
JUN 03, 2020 • 4 MIN READ

Have you tried making mayonnaise? If so, you've encountered failure. If you are a slow learner like me, you probably went through enough oil to fill a large tanker and your kitchen ended up needing a biohazard cleanup team.

Yes, making mayo can be frustrating, tiresome and leave you absolutely exhausted. Now you know why my girlfriend says making mayonnaise is a "man's job".

I've discovered an easy way to make mayo, but let's just keep these little secrets to ourselves, and make the mayo when she's not looking. We have to keep up the illusion that it's difficult.

You need a stick blender, or technically called an immersion blender. If you don't have one, buy it NOW. It's the most important kitchen appliance known to man. We have upgraded to a super-cool one that has speed control. Oh, yeah!

I use the plastic beaker that came with the blender. I use this because it is slightly larger in diameter than the blender and it has graduated markings on it. More about the markings in a minute.

I've read a ton of mayonnaise recipes and some say use only the egg yolk, while others say use the whole egg. I've tried both and I use the whole egg. Is there a compelling reason to only use the egg yolk? Please leave a comment below if you are scientific. Personally, if nothing else, I like just cracking the egg and dumping it in. I don't need to get the egg white on my hands. Yuck! So let's get crackin'.

Get your supplies together. You'll need the blender, the beaker, eggs, dijon mustard, lemon, salt and pepper.

Crack two eggs into the beaker, add juice of 1/2 lemon, add some dijon, pinch of salt and pinch of pepper. Flavoring of the mayo is up to you. Put more or less of the ingredients. This is where you get to go a little crazy if you want.

Pro tip: I make this basic mayo, then split it into thirds and flavor each third differently. I add chipolte to one, garlic to another, you get the idea: One batch turns into three tasty condiments.

Okay, now take the oil and fill to the 300ml line. Yes, this is the part where the markings come into play. Put the oil away before it gets all over everything.

Cover the beaker and just let it sit. Here's the deal. The oil and eggs need to be at the same temperature. But you just took the eggs out of the fridge, right? And the oil was in the cabinet, right? So, that means they aren't the same temperature, unless you live in Alaska in the wintertime. So don't stress, just cover and let sit for 20 or 30 minutes on the counter until everything has a chance to reach equilibrium. <-- big word

Just do some other cooking prep, or clean the kitchen. For heaven sakes it needs it. Chillax and wait a few minutes. If you get that blender out now, you will FAIL and you'll have yet another mess to clean up. How do I know? That's right, I've done it. Thank me later.

So you're thinking, "There are raw eggs on the counter at room temperature, is that safe?" My thought is that the eggs are completely covered in oil so no air can get to them therefore it's safe. I'm not sure this scientifically sound advice, but it's what I tell myself so I don't worry about it.

If you've read this far, you've waited enough time so everything is at the same temperature. Now let's blend that sucker.

Okay, here is the second most important point: Go easy with the blender at first. The eggs are at the bottom, the oil has floated to the top because that's what oil does. Gently put the blender in and cover the eggs the best you can. Hold the blender on the bottom and just make short bursts. JUST MAKE SHORT BURSTS. Don't go too crazy at first this is critical. Just do a few short bursts and make pauses between them.

The mayo will begin to magically form at the bottom and rise up. As the mayo grows you can become more aggressive with the blender. Move it around the bottom a little then move it upwards. Slowly, slowly slowly. The entire blending time should take about 2 minutes.

When you are done blending split into three and add more ingredients to each divided batch and make some exotic-flavored mayonnaise.

Call your wife or girlfriend and tell her how hard you've been working making the perfect mayonnaise. Enjoy!

Store in the fridge. There are raw eggs in that mayonnaise. How long will it last? I'm not sure because it never lasts more than a couple of days at our house.